Ma, my teachers are Homunculi!
by M. Cali' Ai
Summary: What if the Homunculi were sent to court after the fight with Father? What if they were all placed on probation in an inner city school as teachers? Wait, they're gonna be teachers? Rated T for a few bad words.
1. Wrath

A/N: I'm still not dead yet…

_Anyway, I was reading stories on quizzilla for the first time in like… a long ass time, and I stumbled across a story about Greeling and Envy being teachers. That set off the bright light of inspiration in my heart, and it made me write this._

_I didn't write for Lust because of the epicness that is episode 19 of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and if you haven't seen it yet then you really need to get your sh*t in gear and watch it._

_If you have made it far enough in FMAB, then you know why I didn't write with Gluttony and why Pride can smell like a bloody dog._

_I didn't write with Sloth because I just couldn't see him as a teacher in high school. He could teach naptime in kindergarten though…_

_The original Homunculus Teacher story was written by Anonymoussama on quizzilla, so now you gets you proper credit hun, just like I promised._

_Now then, before I would begin, the school is named after the person that wrote Inferno (Dante Alighieri). I figured it would fit because they kinda have teachers from hell…_

_Anyway, read, review and enjoy._

_Story start!_

It was the first day of school, and the people of Alighieri (_A/N: Pronounced Ah-lee-ghee-air-ee_) College Prep wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of there. It was already bad enough that close to no one could pronounce the name of their school, but now it would be even worse when they had to say what their teachers' names were.

Candice got in her mother's car as fast as she could, anxious to tell her about her first day of school and all of its awkward pitfalls. Since her mother lived a fair distance from the school, so she agreed that she would take her daughter to and from school on the first day and at least once every two weeks or so.

"So how was school?" she asked as she pulled out of the driveway.

"Ma, all of my teachers are homunculi." Candice replied immediately.

"The hell is a homunculi?" she asked, keeping her eyes on the road even though her face was plastered with confusion.

"Homunculus, mom. Homunculi are plural."

"Okay, keep getting smart with me!" she replied angrily. Candice's mother knew that her daughter only spent the extra half-second to say 'mom' instead of 'ma' when she was getting on her nerves or if Candice was getting smart with her.

"Anyway," Candice continued, "a homunculus is a person made from alchemy."

"You mean that witch craft stuff our cousin is into?"

"It's not witch craft, mom. You shouldn't berate things you don't understand." Candice replied in an exasperated tone. She didn't like that her mother was so close-minded.

Not many people did alchemy where Candice lived. No one really wanted to take the time to learn how to do it. They did know the basics though; constructing, deconstructing and reconstructing 'or risk losing your limbs' as most people added on. They also knew about the great taboo as well.

"Isn't making a person with alchemy illegal anyway?" Candice's mother asked.

"Yeah, it is. Let me tell you what happened, Ma…"

"Good morning class, starting today, I am your new homeroom teacher. My name is King Bradley, but you all may refer to me as Wrath, or even Mr. Wrath if you feel more comfortable saying that."

Everyone stared at the smiling man in confusion. Even the people who wouldn't even pay attention to the homeroom teacher had their eyes glued on him. For a brief moment, the room was silent until someone finally decided to speak up.

"You mean 'King Bradley' like you're a king?" a boy asked.

"Oh no, of course not. King is my first name." He replied, his smile not leaving his face.

"Real talk, your first name is King?" the same boy pressed. Wrath looked at him and nodded.

"What's up with the Wrath thing?" Candice asked.

"Oh yes, I almost forgot." Wrath said.

He reached behind his head and undid his eye patch. Most of the class flinched or covered their eyes, not wanted to see a creepy open eye socket or even his eye sewn shut for whatever reason. After a few seconds, everyone opened their eyes and looked at him. It wasn't at all what they expected. Sure, there was a scar around his eye, but the eye itself was still in tact. The only surprising thing was instead of his eye being green like the other one, it was red. Upon closer inspection, the class noticed a red marking that no one was particularly familiar with except for Candice.

"Is than an ouroboros?" she asked.

"As a matter of fact it is." Wrath replied. A small stir erupted in the classroom.

"Leave it to Candice to know about the creepy stuff." Someone muttered.

Wrath cleared his throat, ending the small chatter in the classroom before speaking again. "I am here on a summons from the Amestrian military, and because of that summons I am not allowed to keep the fact that I am not a human a secret. I am a homunculus; a being created by alchemy. Because of some recent occurrences, I was court marshaled and now I am on probation. We, meaning myself and a group of other homunculi, have one year to make model citizens of ourselves or we will be executed."

Another stir started up in the classroom. They wondered what he could have done to be on probation at the cost of his life, and why was he a teacher because what he and the other homunculi did must have been awful.

"I understand how some of you all may feel, but let me give you some assurance. I want nothing more than to go and enjoy the remainder of my life with my lovely wife. I have no ill intention, despite my name's sake. To add, there are MP's here around the clock to keep an eye on all of us."

"So they sent war criminals to be your teachers?" Candice's mother asked. "What are they, the dirty dozen?"

"I'm not sure if they're war criminals, but Wrath told us that they couldn't carry out their probation in Amestris for reasons that he wasn't allowed to tell us." Candice explained. Her mother sighed and shook her head.

"You should've just transferred schools like I wanted you to."

"It's not all bad Ma, we can learn a lot from some of these teachers, like Pride for example…"


	2. Pride

"Good morning class, and welcome to Honors United States History."

The class stared at the little boy before them. They wondered if he was the real teacher's child and he was just fooling around.

"I am your teacher. Up until recently I have been known as Selim Bradley, but my real name is Pride."

"You've gotta be shittin' me." Someone muttered.

"Watch your language child." The boy before them said darkly.

After a second of silence, the classroom burst into laughter. From their guess, Pride couldn't have been any older than nine and he called a sixteen-year-old a child.

"I may not look it, but I am more than three hundred years old, the oldest of the homunculi on probation. This being said, they saw me to be the best fit to teach history, as I have gotten around quite a bit."

Pride stopped and locked eyes with a person sitting in the back of the class. He walked to her and looked at her.

"It's against school policy to eat in the classrooms. Eat another potato chip and I will end you." He said. The girl stared back into his eerily purple eyes,

"How did you know I was eating?" she asked. Anyone else would have assumed that it was the rustle of the chip bag when she opened it, but she opened the bag while the class was bursting with laughter.

"I can smell them." Pride replied.

Candice was planning on snacking in class as well, but she told herself not to since her pint-sized teacher had the nose of a dog to the tenth power.

After Pride formally told the class that he was a homunculus, class began. Apparently, he hadn't been living in Amestris for his whole life. His creator, who he referred to as 'Father', sent him to the America's for a long duration of time. Too many Amestrians had seen his face in an incident and he needed to disappear for a little while. He told his story about how he was adopted by an English family that sailed off to the new world. From then on, he hopped between families or lived on his own for a century so no one would too well notice that he didn't age.

"Well, that sounds interesting." Candice's mom said. At the moment, they had just hit rush hour traffic.

"Yup-yup!" Candice replied. History was her favorite class. Then there was her second favorite class, though, which she predicted would be turning into her worst very quickly because of Envy…


	3. Envy

"Hello brats. Starting today I am your AP English teacher. Call me Envy."

The class stared at the woman (or was it a man?) in front of them. Candice was slowly getting a headache because she couldn't figure out what gender was her teacher was.

A student began to speak "Are you sure you don't wa-" Envy cut him off though, by giving him a firm smack to the top of his head and told him it was rude to interrupt him/her since he/she was speaking. Candice then proceeded to raise her hand.

"What, brat?" he/she asked while mean-mugging her.

"I think he wanted to ask if you wanted us to call you… Miiis-ter Envy?" She asked.

Candice was very cautious and did an extremely quick evaluation of her English teacher. She noticed that while he/she did look, dress and somewhat sound like a woman, he/she didn't have any breasts.

"No need for the formalities, and if that was your way of asking if I'm a man or a woman, then I'll tell you now that I am a man." He replied with his arms folded across his chest.

The class began to chatter amongst themselves, but Envy took one of the old world literature books and smacked it across the desk that was closest to him. The student sitting there jumped, and everyone grew deathly silent.

"Here's how this is going to work; no one talking when I'm talking, so when I'm talking that means shut the hell up!"

Someone in the back of the class began to whisper to the person sitting next to them. Envy took a novel and threw it directly at her head.

"Ow! The hell are you doing?" she hollered at him.

"I want a twenty page paper on that novel by tomorrow or you're failing my class. Period." Envy shot back. "If you have something to say about me, you write it in your dairy and hope that I don't find it you pathetic humans!"

Envy, without a doubt, terrified Candice. Something in her bones told her not to sign up for any AP classes but everyone told her the opposite. She wanted to say something, but she kept her mouth shut.

"Okay class, if I'm the first homunculus teacher you've had today then I'll give you the lecture," Envy began. He turned and pointed at the red ouroboros on his left thigh. "I'm a homunculus and if I don't become a model citizen in one year, the Amestrian military is going to kill me. Any questions? Didn't think so, now let's start class."

Envy didn't even give them any time to ask them a question, because he knew that they were all the same. They wanted to know why was he basically on death row, and he wasn't obligated to tell them why.

Envy got straight to business, which is why Candice respected his efficiency. He didn't waste time talking about making rules like most teachers did on the first day. According to him, they were old enough to know right from wrong. Instead he went over writing formats, which he stressed to the girl who owed him a twenty-page paper.

"Okay brats, last question of the day; do you like this school?" Envy asked thirty seconds before the bell. He had already lashed out at the class for lining up at the door thirty seconds prior.

"No!" the majority of the class replied.

"Didn't think so. I want a five page paper on your response, due tomorrow."

Everyone groaned as the bell finally rang, giving them freedom from their crazy teacher.

"Now get out of my classroom." He said.

Candice expected that more than two-thirds of the class would have AP English changed to something else (especially the girl that had to write two essays).

"You had better write that paper too." Candice's mother said.

"I already did it during my lunch period, Ma." She replied.

"That's my girl." She said back, holding out her hand. Candice gave her a five and went on to talk about her math teacher.


	4. Greed(Ling)

_A/N: There is one thing I feel like I should note before I write this chapter. In the anime (Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood), Ling is supposed to be 15. That ain't gonna work for this story. Candice is supposed to be a junior, and juniors range in age from 15-17, so his students would basically be older than him. Let's just place Ling at the age of 22 or 23. Now he's older than his class, but still legal to drink and deliciously young (because Greedling is delicious). Enjoy!_

It wasn't the first time one of Candice's teachers had been late to class, but it was definitely the first time it had happened on the first day of school. She took a seat next to a few of her friends and waited for the math teacher to come in. During her wait, she took out two pieces of gum and chewed them, but she nearly choked when the door flew open.

"Blow it out your ass! You're nagging me about treating the 'children' right but you're making me late, jackass!"

The enraged person walked in and slammed the door behind him. Before he made it to the front of the class, Candice heard him saying "Shut up prince!" under his breath, and she wondered if the M.P. was bothering him because he was high.

"Hello 'precious children'," he began, mockingly. "My name is Greed and as of now you all belong to me."

The class stared at him in absolute silence.

"Yeah, just let it sink in. As you can see, I have an ouroboros on my hand. I'm a homunculus…" the man stopped talking and closed his eyes. After a few coughs, he spoke again in a lighter voice.

"But this body is a loaner. I am Ling Yao, prince of Xing. Greed is using my body." He said. Everyone was probably thinking the same thing; this bastard's crazy. Candice took note of how his eyes changed from red to black.

Then, their teacher (the class not being sure if they should call him Ling or Greed) spoke again in a deeper voice.

"Dammit, this is my gig so you keep your mouth shut!" he said, once again in a deeper voice.

Candice had been popping her gum since he began to speak and now Greed was getting tired of it.

"You, spit out that gum." He said while pointing at her. Candice kept chewing her gum as she reached into her bag and pulled out a calculator.

"I paid $1.50 for this gum and I'm chewing two pieces out of the twelve in the pack, so unless you plan on paying me twenty-five cents, I'm not spitting it out.' She said calmly. Greed stared at her for a brief second and laughed.

"Ha! Good one kid. I can tell you're nice and greedy. We'll get along just fine as long as you don't forget that you belong to me now. That goes for the rest of you too! Now let's distribute these books and get to work."

"So, your math teacher has split personalities?" Candice's mother asked apprehensively.

"Not really." Candice began. "There are actually two souls living in his body, and the body belongs to Ling Yao. There's a person at the school named Edward Elric, he's not a M.P., but he's helping explain anything supernatural that the students may not understand."

"Hm, so you belong to your math teacher now huh?" Candice's mother asked sarcastically.

"I guess so." Candice replied. She decided not to mention that Greeling (as Edward called him) was extremely good looking. Her mother would find out at report card pickup.

Extended Ending

"Now all we need is a sponsor." The captain of Candice's dance team said.

They had their practice days planned and they had the gist of the events that they would perform for, but all they needed was a sponsor. Now they were waiting for one of the co-captains to come back with word from the teachers they asked. So far, all of them were taken.

"Hey, I found a sponsor!" The co-captain said as she ran down the hall.

"Really, who?" Candice asked anxiously.

The co-captain pointed down the hall to the teacher that lazily followed her. Candice looked and immediately knew that it was Greeling.

"Hello team and as of now you all belong to me." He said with the same grin plastered on his face as earlier.

_A/N: And just like that I'm done. I may or may not write more based on reader response, so review and tell ya mama to review too if you want more._

"_You just remember that I ain't sh*t…_

_yet!"_


	5. Greed(Ling)- No One Cares About Math

_Author's note- Hello everyone! I've finally decided that I will keep writing this story! Since the story is just one about the homunculi being teachers, it's kinda gonna be a slice of life story, and each chapter is basically going to be a drabble involving one or a few of the homunculi dealing with a bunch of smart-mouthed teenagers. With that being said, let the madness begin._

_Chapter start._

Greed stood at the white board, writing out the final steps of a math problem.

"And in order to solve this, you must use the-"

"Pythagorean theorem." The class finished.

"Exactly." Greed said. He put the top on the marker and sat it on the ledge of the white board. "Any questions?"

Everyone in the class was silent. Greed looked around and saw one hand up. The hand belonged to one of the students that rarely ever came to class. Greed groaned.

"Well, I'm surprised that you actually showed up. This should be good." He said sarcastically.

Candice had her head on her desk and she was fast asleep. The person sitting next to her elbowed her gently, whispering to her that something funny was sure to happen in the next few seconds.

"When will we ever use this stuff in real life, 'cause I just don't see the point of this." The girl that had her hand raised said.

Greed looked at her in slight surprise. Then, he laughed and spoke again.

"What do you want to do when you grow up?" he asked.

"Make it." She replied.

"Good job genius. Well, let me tell you something.; if you wanna 'make it' for a living, then nine chances out of ten you won't even have to use this crap."

"So this class is pointless?" a boy that was always asleep in class asked.

"No it isn't. You need the class to graduate."

"But you just said that nine chances out of ten, we wouldn't use this class, so why don't we just get rid of math class?" the first girl asked.

"Let me tell you something 'sweet children'," Greed began, sounding thoroughly pissed, "you all go to _public school_. I don't decide what the graduation requirements are; the city does. And even _they_ don't decide. The state does, so if you have a problem with the state requirements then you take your ass to capital and tell the governor about it."

Suddenly Greed began to cough. He closed his eyes and Ling began to speak.

"Don't listen to him! Math is needed so you can add up how much your restaurant bills are so you can know how much you owe your friend so he can stop bothering you about them." Ling preached to the class. The students sat there in silence.

"So… you owe someone money from restaurant bills?" Candice asked.

"What? Of course not! I pay off all of my debts." Ling said proudly. Suddenly, the door to the classroom flew open and Edward marched in.

"GreeLing, explain this." He said coldly while holding out what appeared to be a receipt. Ling took it and looked at it. One of his eyes opened.

"I've got nothing to do with it." Greed said.

"It's from lunch yesterday." Ling said cheerily. "Lan Fan came to visit-"

"I don't care if _Jesus_ came to visit!" Edward shouted. "Stop starting tabs in my name! How the hell are you a prince with no money?"

"It's not that I don't have money." Ling said while holding his hands up. "You see, I have a checking and a saving's account, but all of the money's in the saving's account."

"Don't quote Kevin Hart on me!" Edward said angrily. By this point, everyone in the classroom was laughing hysterically.

"I don't see why not, you're still kinda short." Greed intervened.

"DON'T CALL ME LITTLE!"

"Hey, Jason!" Greed called to one of the tallest boys in the class. "How tall are you?"

"Six three." He replied.

"You're still shorter than him." Greed said with a grin.

Edward, Ling and Greed were arguing for the rest of the class period.


	6. Wrath- Old Ass Gym Teacher!

If one thing remained true for all of the students at Alighieri College Prep, it was that they always had old gym teachers. Two of the teachers retired the year before as a matter of fact. Everyone was counting on getting a new, young teacher when they left.

They weren't too surprised when Wrath became their teacher.

Everyone stared with their eyebrows arched as the gym teacher told them what their class would be like.

"Wrath?" Candice asked when he was done talking.

"Yes young lady?" he replied with a smile.

"How… how old are you?" she asked.

"I'm 63 years old." He said.

Everyone in the class stared at him with even more surprise. Then, they had a mutual response.

"Daaaaamn!" They all said. A few people laughed.

"You sure you game for bein' a gym teacher?" someone asked. Wrath chuckled and pulled off his jacket, revealing his strong physique.

"Would you all like a demonstration? I know, why don't we have a basketball game." He said.

The class stared at him still, saying 'Damn!' and 'Oooh!'

And so, Wrath had a basketball game with the boys in his class, taking anyone that wanted to be on his team. Candice sat on the sidelines with the scoreboard, not expecting much from the game. She knew that most of the boys sucked at basketball, but her class did have some of the basketball teams best players. The ones that could get scholarships, that is. They were playing against an old man; it couldn't get too exciting.

That was, until she found out that Wrath could ball.

He was breaking the younger boys' anklets, getting rebounds like Charles Barkley, and showing off skills that made Candice say but one word as she continued to flip the blue numbers on the scoreboard.

"Damn!"

Author's note:

_You didn't know? Students at inner city schools curse in front of their teachers…_

_Well, at least they do at my school. There are a few teachers that don't take it though. I just wanted to write something for Wrath's old ass._


	7. Envy- Speak Proper English, Damn You!

Everyone made it to Envy's class on time from fear of being chastised. When everyone took their seats and got situated, one student asked the same thing they did everyday.

"What we doin' today Envy?" he asked. Envy groaned.

" 'What _are_ we doin' today?' is what you mean." He said.

"Why you trippin' Envy?" Another student asked.

" 'Why _are_ you trippin?'" Envy said, sounding a little more irritated.

"Umm… are you having a good day?" Candice asked apprehensively.

"No, I'm not!" Envy shouted, causing everyone in the room to jump. He grabbed at his long hair and spoke.

"This is an _AP English _class! Why doesn't anyone speak _proper_ English? It's always 'What we doin'? What she say? He ain't got no money. What was we supposed to do for homework? She like her.' Dammit, have you all ever heard of subject-verb agreement or double negatives? …You! Tell me what a double negative is!" Envy said while pointing at a student.

"It's when you use two negatives in one sentence." He said.

"Exactly! The second negative negates the first one, so when you say 'He ain't got no money,' you're saying that he _does_ have money. When you say 'We ain't have no homework,' you're saying that you actually _did _have homework, which is always true because I like to make you all miserable!" Envy said.

Envy continued ranting on the grammatical errors that rose in the students' vernacular and gave multiple sermons on how to use proper grammar. Suddenly, someone knocked on the door.

"Come in!" he shouted.

"I didn't want to come in because I could feel your passion as you told the students why they shouldn't use the words 'Where them' right next to each other, but I had to ask you a question." Edward said.

"Well, I don't have all day!" Envy said irritably.

"Where them girls at?" Edward shouted. Everyone in the classroom repeated Edward and ended up singing 'Booty Me Down'.

"Get the hell out of my classroom before I reach my hand down your throat and turn you inside out!"

_Author's note;_

_Edward likes to mess with people…_


End file.
